I feel safe to face myself through blogging, since I’ve told only two girls about this website. They’re closed friends of mine and I know they understand me so much. Then I write whatever I want to write. Of course I understand this is an open area in the web… I know this many many years ago, since I start web surfing – there’re no real privacy in web. However, Spymac is not popular (or even being heard) in my friends’ circle, and it’s a bit technologically difficult for them to join, even they know its existence. As a result, I choose here as my cave.
CAS2004 just pass. It’s a 3-day + 2-night music camp, and I feel extremely exhausted. I’m a full camper (attending workshops, CD release concert, singing contest, CAS Summit Concert), panel speaker of Peter Kam’s CD production seminar, helper of Frontline’s CD booth, performer of CAS Summit Concert. I spend much time in recording, music post-production of 2 CDs, Frontline’s preparation work of CAS2004, and I’m already tired before attending the camp. So I treat it as my personal retreat, even I have to play different roles in the camp. I feel free to skip workshops that I’m not that interested in. I stay at my room and phone my friends. (I treat the window-side of my room as my cave in CAS, as shown in the photo!) I walk here and there to enjoy the sunshine. I try my very best to have as much relaxing time as I could.
I play piano accomplishment for my friend in the talent show. We practise in that afternoon, and I find that I can’t play the song well. I never have that experience and feeling – I can’t play at all, and lack of confidence. I feel lost and confused. Finally I phone the pianist for advice. He gives me direct and useful advice. I understand every words of him… however it seems that I won’t handle the song well – and it happens in the show afterwards.
Frontline leaves the camp for concert’s rehearsal yesterday afternoon. When I arrive the concert hall, I feel stressful. In the rehearsal I can’t focus well. I hear and know there’re problems for the sound system, but it doesn’t come up with any solutions in my mind. I even can’t do the makeup by myself. Luckily Pink & Vienna help me a lot. We don’t have time to practise in backstage, and everything are in a mess. When we standby in the sidestage, I’m not sure of which part I’m going to sing. I shed tears when chatting with other performers… they’re friends of mine, and I feel okay to express my feeling towards them. I feel so uncontrollable…
I start to suspect I’m in depression again.
This could be true, since I’m facing great changes in my career. The mixing engineer working for the studio suggests me to quit the daytime job in church, to focus in audio career. I’d love to, however, I feel so insecure in doing so. It’s exciting, but unstable in the same time. On the other hand, I’m still facing challenges and pressure of being single in present. I want to breakthrough, and I need courage.
I’m standing in front of the cliff. All I have to do is take a deep breath, and step forward. I know in someday, I’ll make it, and excel! I just need some time to slow down a bit, to let my body and soul to prepare for such great change! And I know my Lord will carry me through.