How can I let you know, how brilliant and talented you are?
How can I let you know, how much I want to be your student since the first time we met?
How can I let you feel my happiness since the first lesson we have?
How can I let you understand the things you teach me do help me a lot in other fields like tango and singing?
How can I let you know my guilty when I don’t have enough practice before seeing you?
How can I let you taste my hopelessness in playing songs last week, knowing I’m clueless at all?
How can I let you know, even I don’t know what’s going on?
I know, not informed, that I’ll be laid off next year. In recession days like this, you won’t be surprised by these news… though it’s a bit strange why not the high-salary-people being laid off first? I’m just a tiny potato in the organization. They spend more than double to hire a people to do 10 more hours a week than I. Someone get hired, but before she comes, she leaves. Still, I’ll be laid off as schedule. Interestingly, this is not what I’m told. I’m sure I must be the last people to know.
I plan my budget this month carefully… since I won’t have fixed salary in near future. I give up tango, eventually. Even though my tango teacher says I do well in tango.
I’m sad today, because, I know in someday, I have to give up piano class too… when I realize it, I can’t practise at all…
I treasure every second being in lesson. I treasure every word I heard. I try to remember your hands and fingers, the notes you play, the sound you made. I can’t let go anything we’re making together. I want to take pictures and do recordings, trying to hold the things which are fading away.
In dream, you invite me to play piano in your concert, and I do it in a mess. Friend says, pressure follows me in dream.
My mind is busy with all gesture, position, voicing, legato thing, “down the keys”, “stay in keys”, tempo, chest, waist, wrist, palms, fingers, legs, feet, chords, melody, lyrics, verse, chorus, musical, relax… and ocassionally, your instructions, comments and silly things you say.
My heart, aches.
How can I let you know the aching void in my heart when you say you can’t help?
How can I gain enough faith to step on the way you show to me?
How can I let you know I’m not that strong to step on the way in front of me?
How can I continue…