Tuesday with…

How can I let you know, how brilliant and talented you are?
How can I let you know, how much I want to be your student since the first time we met?
How can I let you feel my happiness since the first lesson we have?
How can I let you understand the things you teach me do help me a lot in other fields like tango and singing?
How can I let you know my guilty when I don’t have enough practice before seeing you?
How can I let you taste my hopelessness in playing songs last week, knowing I’m clueless at all?
How can I let you know, even I don’t know what’s going on?

I know, not informed, that I’ll be laid off next year. In recession days like this, you won’t be surprised by these news… though it’s a bit strange why not the high-salary-people being laid off first? I’m just a tiny potato in the organization. They spend more than double to hire a people to do 10 more hours a week than I. Someone get hired, but before she comes, she leaves. Still, I’ll be laid off as schedule. Interestingly, this is not what I’m told. I’m sure I must be the last people to know.

I plan my budget this month carefully… since I won’t have fixed salary in near future. I give up tango, eventually. Even though my tango teacher says I do well in tango.

I’m sad today, because, I know in someday, I have to give up piano class too… when I realize it, I can’t practise at all…

I treasure every second being in lesson. I treasure every word I heard. I try to remember your hands and fingers, the notes you play, the sound you made. I can’t let go anything we’re making together. I want to take pictures and do recordings, trying to hold the things which are fading away.

In dream, you invite me to play piano in your concert, and I do it in a mess. Friend says, pressure follows me in dream.

My mind is busy with all gesture, position, voicing, legato thing, “down the keys”, “stay in keys”, tempo, chest, waist, wrist, palms, fingers, legs, feet, chords, melody, lyrics, verse, chorus, musical, relax… and ocassionally, your instructions, comments and silly things you say.

My heart, aches.

How can I let you know the aching void in my heart when you say you can’t help?
How can I gain enough faith to step on the way you show to me?
How can I let you know I’m not that strong to step on the way in front of me?
How can I continue…

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1 Comment

  1. Not giving you false hope or wishful thinking, but things may not proceed in the way that we expect. And, although its hard and it hurts to accept the fact and to face the reality, those memories, moments and emotions would stay with you. Nobody and nothing would be able to take them away from you.

    Its a blessing to be able to meet someone who means a lot in our life, who enriches our life so much so much. Yet, it would have to be having the 1st prize in lucky draw to be able to keep them for long, if not forever. I don’t know…hm…I mean if I know those VIP in our life would finally leave, would I prefer not even meeting them for a single second in my life or I still wish that I would be with them for some moments. I think I may prefer the latter, cause these people enriched my life and inspired my perception and attitude towards life.

    People’s relationships may take different mode over times: in the past, you were my tutor, then we are friends and sisters, now we are also shopping pal, and we are each others’ ears and shoulders to lean on. Do you know what I want to say? Valuable relationship could not be stopped by some extrinsic factors…any two people can still affect/enrich/communicate with each other even when their kind of relationship has changed. The relationship may not take in a mode that we prefer at the first place…or suprise may also be around the corner. We never know.

    Its bullshit to say don’t worry and don’t be sad…but let me bullshit once again just to cheer up my dearest gd friend: don’t worry and don’t be sad. I will pray for your situation and your sentiments.


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