Dream a little dream

Please forgive me. I’m too tired to work, to write, and to think.

Even though I’ve chopped my time schedule into tiny pieces, I won’t have the ability to satisfy all parties’ wants. Dare not to ask for “no blaming”, I just hope I can get the tasks done.

It was just another terrible night. I took shower immediately when I was back to home, then rushed out again to finish another task. It just took me 5 minutes, and it sounds stupid to get on a bus and head back to home. So, I stayed in the streets, blocks following blocks.

Forgive me. In such horrible downside in my life, I really need some Starbucks.

I have my tall steamed skim milk with hazelnut syrup @ 22:46.

Buddies, forgive me if I call / SMS too much. Those were moments I need you so much, much more than you can imagine. Not far from now, I’ll start begging for your hugs and comfort. If the time comes, please do me a favour, pad my forehead, hug me gently, and tell me it will be okay.

Forgive me, I am tired.
Please shut me down.

小同事昨晚傳來即時訊息，說，一年了。
嗯，一年了。

下午，回到公司，看見小同事拿刀在整理紙皮，我喚她做賣紙皮老婆婆。我問她可以賣多少錢，她說去年賣了九十二塊錢。後來再見到她，她說今年賣了七十五塊錢。

這樣就一年了。

我的年月是用推出的唱片和音樂會劃分，同事的年月就是一年四季十二個月五十二週。

最近發現，年月也可用朋友劃分。

明天晚上，我會跟兩個相識十六載的朋友吃飯見面，一個是教會小組組長兼現任工作拍擋，一個是忘年摯友兼結他密友。他們都結了婚，其中一個變了佬，兩個孩子的爸爸；另一個，我想他一世都不會變得很佬，希望他還是那個穿花襯衣皮外套的靚仔督察。

帶壽星女外出晚飯看電影，談了半晚，她煮黑咖啡給我作早餐；探趙醫生去；與好友吃炸雞午餐；回家，收貨；梳洗、化粧，趕往朋友的婚宴；又回家，對著電腦發呆弄這弄那，跟朋友透過電話忽發奇想，倒頭大睡；睡過頭，繼續睡過頭，貓兒分佔我的床；吃了杏仁餅，終於弄通怎樣用微波爐翻熱雪藏燒賣可以比較好吃；又看了朋友借給我的電影；接著還要梳洗，外出與朋友聚舊，聽說還有新朋友；再回家，睡一會兒，明天又是一條好漢。

H 昨天說很久沒看到我的文章，我告訴她，現在的生活很空白。

縱使日程表給塞得滿滿，其實心裏面沒有甚麼東西著緊，面前可以走的路很多，又好像沒啥。

有幾件事我想做的：做 gym、做好公司的事、繼續看醫生吃藥賺錢交醫藥費、繼續疼我心頭的幾塊肉。

還有睡覺。

朋友借我的，是 Hugh Grant 的 “About A Boy”。他在故事裏，不用打工，只靠老父唯一 all-time hit 的版權費過充裕的日子。可幸的是他漸漸發現自己的生活很填塞卻空白，it’s just meaningless。往昔的他，生活哲學是 man is an island；那個闖進他孤島的小孩，卻讓他知道 no men is an island, and we all need backup。兩個人一起生活還未夠，我們需要更多的 backup，無論是家人、同事、朋友。第三個聖誕節，他邀請朋友們到他家慶祝聖誕節。

我也搞了個小型派對，29 + 1，因為 no men is an island，特別在生活空白的日子。

A family comes back to Hong Kong for two weeks, and I’ve spent some days with them, eating out, shopping, babysitting, and most importantly, chatting. I’m glad that we make good friends offline. We share quite a few important moments of life together. Thanks for your love and care, and hope to see you very soon. I love you all!

Having dinner with birthday girl tonight. I’m glad that she sounds happy when she receives my phone call, and I know she has great time with her ex-colleague in the afternoon. We have a great dinner in a smoky restaurant (we can be happy even the environment is that bad, it’s a matter of choice). We talk about jobs, career, food and health. I’m sorry that I can’t say “Happy Birthday”, because I’m a bit lost, after seeing doctor today. We’re all aging. Anyway, my dear friend, all the best everyday in your wonderful life! Got that job and seize for better life in Jesus!!!

Chatting with a friend tonight, about my cat and his dog, about aging, about death. We live under different clocks, facing similar scenarios. We stock stuff in our houses throughout lives. We got problems in throwing junk away. It’s another matter of choice, to buy new things and to throw away old stuff. We got to spend hours in picking “valuable” things from junk hills. But at last, they’re mostly left untouched for another decade. What are the things / people / stories / memories / emotions we’re trying to grasp firmly in hand? Would it be a lost giving them up? We’re fear of changes. My way of facing fear is to admit the fact, and try tiny step of changes. I’m afraid my cats are all leaving me someday in my life. So, I start to adapt to the foreseeable ending. Someday, one day, they’ll leave me alone. So what can I do?

Life, without rehearsal, without replay, you’ve got only “take one” for every seconds.

How are you going to live it out?

菠菜芝士批的碟上，總擱著一包茄汁。我從沒碰過它，就連想也沒有想過。若真的硬要我想像它們混在一起是怎樣的滋味，我想我會受不了。

探戈課後，走在蘭桂坊，男男女女在享受他們的快樂時光，而我，不怎快樂，甚至有點失落。想起那法式甜品的窩心感覺，也許能填內心的空洞感。便獨個兒走進那熟悉的咖啡店，要了一客菠菜芝士批，還有一杯 Grande Crème Brûlée Latte。

這個晚上，心裏容不下 Gingerbread Man。
一直為著鋼琴課的事在煩惱。

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